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Thelemic Onion News Updates

by EIEIO420

Headlines from the exciting world of Thelemic “culture”:

Baphomet cannot serve as Priest and Priestess

In a stunning rebuke to the androgynous entity, the EGC — the ecclesiastical armpit of OTO — was officially barring Baphomet from performing both Priest and Priestess role simultaneously. Baphomet was reported as having remarked that they will be “busy contemplating the alchemical formulas underlying existence while perched upon a cubic stone” and that they were “focusing more on Deacon Sacerdote role in the future”.

New Thelemic YouTube Channel Announced with Exciting New Content

A new YouTube channel by a Thelemite has been created, and it is promising to feature a lot of content that no one has ever covered before. The creator, who goes by Frater [something in an archaic and unpronounceable language] and claims to have crossed the abyss in his bathtub after smoking some weed, noted that he was “interested in bringing some fresh new ideas and perspectives to Thelema”. The first few videos are entitled “How to do the LBRP”, “True Will is not Want”, “Learning the LBRP”, “Aleister Crowley had an interesting life”, and “Tips on doing the LBRP”. After divulging these advanced teachings, he plans to start his own magical order within the next few weeks, and it will “definitely not be the same stuff as before” despite still being structured with 10 grades based on the Tree of Life.

COVID Leads to Record Number of Unfinished Magical Operations

Since March 2020 when COVID first really hit, we saw an encouraging trend of a record number of people attempting the Abramelin Operation to achieve Knowledge & Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel. Online robe and incense sellers had their best few months on record. Now a 2-year review has finally completed and been fully accepted by the Committee of Choronzon (i.e. asking people on the internet). The results are startling: More than 93% of people did not even go longer than a week with their prayers with the most common cause being “forgetting I was doing that ritual thing”. 4% lasted longer than a month but their minds shattered from the weight of astral madness. 2% stuck with the program long enough to see real results including believing they were the messiah, occasional bliss, and forgetting how to properly interact with people. Adonai was spotted looking restless, tapping his toes and noted they were still waiting for your call.

The Order of eGirls has established contact with the Secret Chiefs

The infamous Order of eGirls (OoeG) has formally announced that they have made direct contact with the Secret Chiefs and there is a new Holy Book available only to their Patreon subscribers for now. A preview of the book included aesthetic prohibitions such as not allowing “bangs that aren’t cut very straight” nor “hanging anything decorative on your walls”. Their period of Silence ends during next Equinox but admission is only open to those with 10,000 or more total social media followers.

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One thought on “Thelemic Onion News Updates

  1. I did call Adonai , Not once , not twice , but Thrice …

    Went to voicemail every single time !?

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